BEWARE OF CATS!!
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BEWARE OF CATS!! |
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!!! ATTENTION !!! The subject matter on this site is very serious. Don't think for a second that you are beyond this happening to you. Cats are fast and will kill you without even thinking about it. WE ARE NOT JOKING!! |
Show Cats You Mean Business!! |
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THE HISTORY OF CATS:
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There was a time when cats were contained to the condos of 40-something, divorced women. Having had their hearts broken one too many times and not ready to try love again, for the most part, these women would stick to themselves, going out only to rent a video at Blockbuster or grab a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. And because of this, their cats were often isolated from the rest of the human population. But while their owners were tucked away in suburbia, watching movies on Lifetime and reading Danielle Steele novels, something happened... Cats became cool. |
WE WILL NEVER FORGET:
This site is dedicated to the men, women, and children who have lost their lives to cats; those brave people who did nothing more than walk by a dark alley...or a condominium complex filled with divorced women...only to be mauled to a bloody death. And a special thanks to the heroes that have responded to cat emergencies...only to be mauled also. |
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WHY AVOID CATS:
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Take a good look at this cat. That shit-eating grin says it all, doesn't it? Cats are everywhere these days. Just this week, I saw one in my own neighborhood...the one place I thought I was safe. But you're not safe anywhere. Cats are quick, don't make a sound, and have both sharp claws and teeth...which kill! Even if you were to survive an attack, and that's rare, you'd most likely be eating your meals through a tube...and certainly be missing a limb or two. Please understand that, although society may think cats are cute and harmless, cats a natural born killers. They will turn on you in a second. |
HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF :
1. Don't Make Eye Contact - As we've already explained, cats are everywhere these days. And the situation is only getting worse. That means that you're likely to see one at some time during your life. Should this happen, avoid making eye contact at all costs and leave the area immediately. Don't think that watching the cat will help you avoid a confrontation. Cats are way too fast for you, so just leave. This isn't the time to be a hero. 2. Don't Date Women Who Own Cats (Men and Lesbians Only) - Women who own cats are not your friends and are most certainly not relationship material. Cats are controlling, manipulative animals who have obviously brianwashed these people. It's best to just walk away...you'll only get your heart broken when the cat comes first during holidays or gets pissed off and mauls your friend to a bloody death. NOTE: If you're already involved with one of these people and can't walk away, even though your life is at-risk, seek professional help. Your situation is way too complex for this guide. 3. Never Touch a Cat or Attempt to Pick One Up - See below for an important warning about this...
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!!! WARNING !!! We have received several emails from administrations of various colleges and universities notifying us of an alarming number of cat incidents on campuses across the United States... PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD TO ALL HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS! HOW IT WORKS: Unsuspecting Freshmen are brought to a fraternity house with the promise of "lots of pussy." After being stripped down naked and enduring lots of homoerotic sexual sadism, a group of cats is brought in to finish the humiliation. (Left: Fluffy has a beer and watches the game while waiting to maul a new student.) |
4. Don't Try to Bargain with Cats - Don't be an idiot! This isn't "Let's Make a Deal." Cats are animals with a taste for blood and there is nothing that you can give them which they'll want...or can't take after they have killed you. 5. Get a Gun - If there is one good thing about having so many Republicans in office, it's the ample supply of cheap firearms. You'll want something that is semi-automatic. And make sure you've got a full round of ammunition and the safety is off at all times. Again, cats are fast, so you won't have time to fumble around with anything like loading ammo or a safety switch. Convincted felon? Need to go out tonight and can't worry with the commie waiting period? Just hit a gun show with a wallet of cash. We're talking about protection for you and your family here, so this isn't the time to mess around with any of the candyass gun laws.
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6. Build a Shelter - If you care about yourself or your family, you'll build a shelter that is easily accessible from your house, but in a place where cats won't easily find it. A cat can kill you any number of ways, and one of those ways is waiting outside a shelter while you're inside starving to death, so make sure you're stocked with food and other supplies to last for at least one year. 7. Use the Buddy System - Never travel alone...especially if you're walking. Cats are more likely to prey on a single person than they are a group. Plus, if you're with a friend when a cat attacks, you won't have to outrun the cat, you'll only have to outrun your friend. It is for this reason that we suggest traveling with somebody who is overweight or otherwise out-of-shape. Alternative traveling partners include the disabled and those under the age of 12. |
Frequently Asked Questions: |
An old lady in my neighborhood has at least 12 cats. What can I do? This is like living next to a toxic waste dump, my friend. And it's likely that this woman has significantly brought down property values in the area. You could try and wait it out, but these "cat ladies," often live to be 100 or more. And every day you wait, the more likely you or a member of your family will be mauled to a bloody death. I've got a dead cat in my alley? What should I do? First of all, DO NOT approach the cat. It is likely only pretending to be dead in hope of aquiring its next victim. And even if it is dead, know that cats carry lots of disease and are as harmful dead as they are alive. It is likely that your alley has already been contaminated with this disease. For your safety, we suggest moving. |
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Feeling reckless? Buy some cat stuff...but don't say we didn't warn you.
(Do Not Attempt This!) 